I thought everything has already ended, but it is not. Some dark shadows are casting over me. Something is running. I am tired, but she is not allowing me to rest. She is straining me. She is doing something that I do not know. I am unaware. What can I do is not known to me. I cannot trust, and I cannot rest assured. But that's no big deal. I am such a man. I am impatient to know the outcome of everything around her that I've done.
I am wondering how many minutes she and the bloke are going out to talk. I am wondering. And I am guessing everything. This is bad and painful. If my guestimate is correct, there is a bloodthirsty event awaiting us. I don't know. I am not that broken yet. I am not borked enough to be that desperate.
The girl is telling me how she is unsatisfied with my attitude. I thought we broke up, but she is rather confused. Does she really want to break up is one question.
Coding in C again, and using some gnuplot to plot some graphing. This is good.
Something runs away from here, and things are flowing; current just flows and like everything else, time should cure me. This pain that I am feeling, and this antagonism that I am facing shall go and sooth away if I realize things are not going to be continued. I have went through all this once, and I have experienced this all. I know everything here, and I have seen it all. Yes, it is everything I have already experienced, known, loved, and hated.
Reading my past stories, from several years back, when I was very intimately in love with this one girl, and how I broke up with her, made me realize that I cannot say I am being in a good condition. I felt that I should not be like this. This is "losing". I should not be losing, because losing means that I cannot win. Once lost, things are going away. Just goes away, nothing to grab.
It's all so quiet. It's all so abrupt. Things are so strange. I really don't know what is going to happen. I am, in one way, sure that this thing has finished, and that this is all dead. I know it is an experience that has gone. This is all quiet. I lost my war. I lost my share...
But thinking about this, I guess I don't think I should be working like this. I don't think this should be the most important thing. I should not be worried about these small things in life. I should be bothered about more important things. I can't just say things are more important than the other, but I can't really tell. I don't know what is important, but surely, this fake feeling; a girl can't be that important. A girl cannot be everything. I am me, and I cannot rely on a girl like stupid. I should be. I should be liberated. I should be free of all restriction. I'd like to be so. I'd like to be away from everything that tries to reign over me. I need to do all things that I believe to be creative.
... and time goes
I just wish that things will quiet down, and be a little more interesting. My life is overloaded, and joy is found in my workload. I have no time to spend escaping into the regions that I am not professional with.
xev is an event viewer for X. I am trying to use all my mouse buttons, but there are two buttons which do not seem to be working as expected. This is rather annoying, and it seems like X is not recognizing it at all. I need more information about this.
Too much amount of jealousy is unproductive. Jealousy does not produce much. Nor does hatred. Hating something does not create. Loving something does. Something, or someone; having an object for love is the most important thing in being creative. Lovefullness pays.
Unsuccessful love, as it were, is unsuccessful. When things start falling apart really badly, it falls. When things are tearing apart really seriously, it is no longer possible to patch it. Because the patched parts will not be able to bear the pain of being patched. Patching is only possible through love, but love is no longer available. It is too far away.
My life is overly pressed in that I am staying at the lab for more than 40 hours... or something like that. This is pain.
gtk-gnutella seems to be a good tool for doing gnutella. This is working fine.
I thought I liked everything to be what it is, and I discovered things were not quite as expected. It falls apart. Everything does; they seem to be good at one time, and bad at another session. This is harsh. Music is only one way to cure my pain. I wonder if my pain can be cured at all. I guess I'd survive. I probably will.
Life is pretty much difficult. I love this girl, but that is not enough for everything to go around fine. Love; Is it a delusion?
I played with xalan. It seems to process utf8 files pretty fine. xsltproc was not very good at it. Good. I have written a little database schema and other thing in XSLT. It's an online database of books that are in the lab. Infrequently updated, infrequently viewed, and no searching is required. Ideal for an XML application. Playing with this thing, I started wondering if I should be doing some XML to LaTeX translator in XSLT.
ssh -L 6667:irc.openprojects.net:6667 <acct> gives me a forwarding. This is interesting.
I went out to drink, to HANAMI. This very traditional Japanese event consists of drinking beer underneath a cherry tree. I went to HANAMI with the fellow M1 students. It's good. There's "10 of us", and I don't know how much I am going to fit into this space, I sure will be trying to get in.
My work rate is rather slow. I need to accelerate. Things are very difficult. I might as well move things over, because I can't share my CVS repos with my University machine, and my home machine, and all my sources are in my home machine. It kinda sucks.
Using xipmsg. It seems like it is an interesting software to play with. I saw the BTS, and there was a patch. It was rather trivial to fix the application, and I guessed I will pick it up. The package has so many bugs (unreported), but I will find out how to package it. I probably will first go and change the maintainer address. App-Defaults is confusing me, and how it should be done is beyond me.
Done s/Debconf::Client::ConfModule/Debian::DebConf::Client::ConfModule/ in libpaperg.conf to make it install. This is annoying. The thing is this should depend upon debconf >> something, more than the version I have installed which seems to be 0.2.80.17.
I realized mlockall() kind of function is quite essential in making password input more secure. Anything which handles passwords should not be swapped out to the disk. It's rather like a difficult thing to achieve, because that includes so many applications.
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